Last Episode of: Shardonnay: Part 17

Chapter 32. Massive Stuff Goin On.

Gloria’s tan character shoes scrunched on the gravel then went tap tap tap on the kerb.  A man got out of the car and opened a rear door for her.  She got in, arranged her coat tidily around her, wound down her window and gave me a polite, controlled little wave. Her face were pinched.  She were tryin not to show her disappointment. Brave little kid, I thought to meself, sadly.

I were aware of a movement by my side. Matt had let go of me arm and started forward. I turned to look at him. I could see from his eyes what he were gonna do. ‘For God’s sake,’ I said in a loud whisper. ‘We got enough to look after without a little prissy girl and all!’ I grabbed his shirt sleeve.

He yanked his arm away from my grip, almost violent he were. ‘Yeah, Shardonnay, it is for God’s sake that I’m doing this and I’m gonna do whatever I bloody like!’ he hissed. Bloody hell, not like him at all, such a pussy he is normally.

He legged it down the steps, stumbled over the gravel towards the car which were already movin away, sprinted after it and banged his fist on the roof. The car jerked to a halt. Gloria’s window slid down.

‘Gloria!’ said Matt. ‘Would you….would you, please…’ he sniffed and sobbed, honestly, he’s a right wuss, ‘do me the favour of…coming to live here, with us?….You’re so good with Nick, you see, and you could, you could sing to him every day. He…he would really love that.’ I rolled me eyes cos he were blubbin away as he said all this. Honestly, that man! His heart’ll be the death of him. Gloria opened her car door and got out and hugged Matt. They just stood there quiet, arms round each other, tears pourin down their faces.

Then a voice behind us groaned ‘OP!’

All our heads swivelled round.  There were a silence.  You coulda heard a pin drop.  Even the birds was holding their breath.  I walked back to the doorway of the lounge. Nick were moving his mouth and eyes.

‘OP?’ I says to him. ‘Funny word to say, if it’s your first word in four years!’ Then I let out one of me bigger cackles.

‘OP!’ Nick said again, and me mum and me we burst out cryin and laughin with relief and happiness. Third try Nick got his mouth to work better. ‘STOP!’ he shouted.

‘Yeah, it’s OK, Nick,’ I said to him. ‘Your dad’s taken care of it. That little kid’s comin to live with us.’  Soon as I said it in words, I realised it were right and that Matt had done a good thing.

Matt and Gloria came runnin back in. None of us could believe it that our boy were back.  We was yellin and huggin and shriekin and dancin.  Gloria hugged Nick. He said, slowly at first then faster, ‘Sebastian’s child.  You are Sebastian’s child!  Of course you are!’ over and over again.

He only had his mouth and eyes so far to work with, but over the comin days, with Gloria doin her healin on him, he got to sit up in a wheel-chair and got back the use of his arms.  First thing he did, he asked us to wheel him over to the telly.  I were thrilled to bits.  I thought he were gonna show us how independent he were by changin the channel himself or something and you know, every little helps, that would be another good step in the right direction. Matt wheeled him over.  I were just about to say, ‘Oy, Nick, you could just use the remote like everybody else,’ when he picked up me lovely silver ornamental King Charles Spaniel and smacked it into the TV, smashin the screen to bits.  He smacked it again and again, every inch of it, until he were breathless. It were well weird.  I mean, what had that telly ever done to him? I think the poor lad’s gone a bit soft in the head. Luckily the telly were a few years old and we was due for a new one otherwise I would have been a bit pissed off really.

Little by little he got walkin again. It’s takin time but I think he’ll be there soon. Could even be completely better for his eighteenth which is in like three weeks. Yeah, I know! The little guy’s not even eighteen. It’s like he’s lived several life-times innit? It’s all too much, really. Too much, too young.

Chapter 33.  Oops.

A week later I took some letters off of the doormat and took them in to Matt in his office. He were in front of his computer. He looked at me and turned the screen to face me. It were Youtube. I just love Youtube. I sat down on a swivel seat to enjoy whatever it were. Oh my god, it were me! I must say, I were lookin well hot! I were dressed in a gorjuss gold lamay top, all shiny and tight. I were waving a glass of champers around in each hand, LOL what am I like? Wherever the camera were, I were right there in its face. I’m always like that, I am, really photojeanic. I started listening to the words comin out of me mouth. They kinda rung a bell. Oh…yeah, not good…a cold feelin of dread were going up and down me spine. I held me breath as I listened:

‘Well, Finn, you do whatever you like, but without me you wouldn’t even be here to do it! I carried ya…well, ok, maybe half of ya… carefully across the road in your little jam-jar! I took care! I cared about ya! I din’t trip! I din’t lose ya! You should be saying ‘well done,’ to me, ‘well done,’ for doing that little service for ya.’ Oh, Lord, me voice were going on and on. Talk about diggin yer own grave. I were diggin me own fuckin canyon! I listened right to the end, me heart thumpin away in me chest like a fuckin herd a fuckin elephants:

‘….couldn’t get it up or had sperms what didn’t know how to swim and that’s why yer mum came to the ‘clinic,’ and b.) if he had ‘provided his own seed’ then you wouldn’t be you, you’d be some other kid, if you get my drift, and c.) even if the kid made out of that man what brung you up’s spunk was ‘you’, would you really want to have a dad like that?’

I couldn’t help but nod along as the me in the video were actually making some rather good points, I thought. But oh! That bloody bastard Finn! Not only had he made out to poor Nick that Gloria were dead, but he’d also secretly got me on film the night of his show. Little shit. Sorry, I don’t like swearing, you know I don’t, but there ain’t no other word for him. I made a mental note to meself to go round and give him a piece of my mind, and a good smack while I’m about it. Yeah, and if Shardonnay wants to give you a good smack, you are gonna know about it! You can feel sorry for that little shit. Very very sorry!

I carried on watchin. Couldn’t tear me eyes away. The person what were me lurched off to the side, sloppin her champers everywhere, and threw up in a plant pot. That did make me giggle just a tiny bit cos honestly, what am I like?!

However, I kinda knew the game were up. There were no point hidin nothin now. Everyone in the world would know the truth. That’s the problem with Youtube and the internet innit though? If one person knows it, everyone knows it. And oops, that video already had three million views and had only been put up yesterday. ‘Matt.’ I swallowed. ‘ You might as well know everything now, I spose.’ I took a deep breath. Here goes. I paused and could hardly get the words out. ‘Sebastian were… your child.’

 He looked at me and his eyes filled with tears. ‘I knew it,’ he whispered. I have never seen a man look more sad. ‘He was mine. I loved him. How many are mine?’

 ’I'm not sure,’ I said sadly. ‘Most of the Heavenly Host. All of the Lost Boys. Hundreds I think,’ I whispered: ‘Maybe even thousands. I’m sorry.’

My husband were lookin a bit pale and shocked. You can’t blame him really.  ’How did you take my sperm? Was it all the blow-jobs?’

‘Yes, all them lovely blow-jobs.’ I perked up a bit. ‘Lookin on the bright side, they never went to waste,’ I said.

‘No, I suppose they didn’t,’ he said, a bit stunned. Out of the blue he started smiling a massive smile, ear to ear. ‘You know what this means though, don’t you?’

I were like, ‘What?’ thinkin, ‘Oh, no, I got another one what’s gone in the head!’

‘It means…..Gloria is my grand-daughter!’

Yeah, as me mum always says, ‘Every cloud, Shardonnay,’ she says, ‘Every cloud…’ and she also says, ‘If you got your heart in the right place, Shardie, you can’t go wrong,’ and I still feel, deep down, that when I carried all them little half humans across the street in their little jam jar oh, bless em, I were only actin out of the kindness of me heart.  OK, I’m not gonna lie, the money came in handy, and let me live the life I wanted to live, but I wanted the best for them little babies too, I did. I wanted them to live. And live is what they done, oh yeah, not half!  So it might not of turned out exactly how I wanted it, but as me mum always says, ‘it could be worse, Shardie, things could always of turned out worse.’  She’s right you know.  At least we got our Nick back.  And Gloria is a lovely kid, bit weird but yeah, whatever, and she got to live with us.

Me mum and Matt and Nick absolutely love her, and that is good.  One last thing what she says, me mum, is ‘Shardie, everythin happens for a reason.’ And, thinkin about it, I can only see one reason and that is that it had to happen. If something has to happen, it just has to happen. Also, what goes around comes around and now you know, it’s actually quite nice that Matt’s got all them kids. It ain’t borin, that’s for sure. We got one big fuckin family!  Yeah, can’t argue with that!

They come and visit him for advice and fatherly times.  Like loads.  It’s like he runs a counsellin service for his own kids. They have to make appointments for ten minute slots. He had to give up his job to fit em all in.  That’s all right. We’re gonna claim child benefit for the ones what ain’t got no mums and that’s already a fair few. He does it all day long and even then he still don’t know all their names. It’s a bloody full time job even gettin to meet them all. So, although he lost Sebastian and Izzy, he gained a whole load more. A bit more than he bargained for, some would say! LMFAO.

Well, you know, you win some you lose some. Gotta expect a bit a that. This is Life, after all, what’s got its ups and downs. Life in the World According To Shardonnay, yeah, that’s me!  Been nice getting to know ya!  Next time you come round I’ll tell you about that other adventure I had after I went down Baroosh with Debs and Shelley and ended up drinkin That Really Really Big Mojito.  OMG you will laugh!  That story makes me die!  Tara for now.