Chapter 13. Trouble Brewin.
Ok, so a few weeks after that boy Sebastian came round for a chat with Matt, a whole load of em came round. Again, I were out. Couldn’t stay in on guard all the time, could I? I’d been shoppin in Harlow, getting some lovely designer stuff in Matalan and got me nails done. I got back, all ready to try on this lacy blouse and tartan mini-skirt, but OMG my heart sank, din’t it, as I walked in and clocked em. They was all standing there, in a row, all ten or eleven of them. All starin at Matt.
Matt were sittin in his director’s chair, head in hands. He really had the hump this time. He were swaying back n forth. Looked just a bit like a mental case. He looked up as I banged the door. He looked right through me, it were well odd.
He stood up. ‘Shardonnay. I’m struggling to understand something. How come all these children seem to think I am their father?’
‘I dunno,’ I shrugged. I got out me packet of fags. ‘Maybe they’ve all gone mental.’ I laughed but I couldn’t help but be a bit scared at the look in his eye. He really were vergin on lookin a tad demented.
‘Sebastian here says that it’s possible that …’ he choked slightly, ‘my….sperm…’ he looked desperately at the children, ‘….could have made its way to a…fertility clinic.’
I snorted. Couldn’t help it. The description of Pat’s motley old house as a ‘fertility clinic’ were just too funny.
There were a bit of a horrible pause. I would say ‘pregnant’ pause but that would be for lols only. All the children was lookin well embarrassed, stealin glances at each other. It were frankly a bit of an interestin moment.
‘Oh, don’t be daft!’ I scoffed. ‘How on earth could your….sperm, go of its own accord, like, to a fertility clinic, like what you say?’ I spat out these words and made them drip with ridicule as much as I could. I lit me fag from the cooker.
The kids all looked suitably shame-faced. But then, that girl with the strawberry blond hair with them eyes what don’t never seem to blink, chipped in with a bit of a bombshell. ‘The sperm could have been…let’s say….’extracted’ from Matt here, and sold, possibly?’
Them fuckin eyes was starin straight at me as she said this! She ain’t got no eyelashes nor eyebrows. Weird. Them eyes give me the shivers. But, give her her due, she’s one smart bitch. Takes one to know one, eh? Sebastian shook his head at her and said, ‘Izzy, just let it go.’
‘Yeah….Izzy!’ I breathed smoke at her, lookin straight back at her. She got another blinkin (or unblinkin more like!) think comin if she thinks she can stare me out, little cow! ‘I like litrally can’t believe you just said that!’ I said. ‘That is just so ridiculous. No one would be mad enough to do that!’ I were thinking ‘Ha ha but I am! and I were! Looool.’
‘Besides which,’ I went on, frownin, like lookin confused and innocent and affronted at the same time, as I am a good actor, ‘sperms don’t last long. You’d litrally have to be shootin them up people straight away for them to have any hope of getting anyone up the duff. So how would that work then, eh? You thinkin I had long lines of ladies waiting with their legs open up the street somewhere? Hunh? You been watchin too much sci-fi?’
OMG I sooo should of been in movies. Wanted to be Eliza in My Fair Lady I did, I woulda been brilliant, ‘All I want is a room somewhere….far away from the cold night air…..’
Anyway, ‘Come on, darlins,’ I went on. ‘Give it a rest! Leave the poor man in peace. He’s a good looker, and you know, you’re not bad lookers yourselves, but everyone wants a piece of the poor guy! Enough’s enough, now, toodle-oo.’
They filed out, hair gleamin in the late afternoon sun. They stole backward glances at me man but for quite a few months after that, we didn’t hear a peep.
Chapter 14. The Lost Boys.
I were sittin on the settee watchin the X-factor. I weren’t paying much attention really as I were textin Debs at the same time, but a sudden gasp from Matt made me look up.
‘Look!’ he exclaimed. ‘It’s those children!’
‘What children?’ I asked.
He were leanin forward in his chair, mouth open. ‘You know, those carol singers that came round about six months ago. They’re on the telly.’
I had a good look. Oh my Lord, it were them an all. A dozen gorjuss boys all in a line. A proper choir, all dressed in blue, with furry white collars and cuffs. That tall lad what came round ours were in the middle of em, tall and still. Stunnin cheekbones as ever, and them unforgettable flashin blue eyes.
Matt had gone right up close to the telly. ‘It’s that Sebastian, Shardie, look!’ he said.
They was singin all together you know, when they all sing different notes what go together, what’s that called? Harmony. That’s it. Their song actually, don’t know why, it gave me the goosebumps it were that spooky. Kind of slow and hauntin, a song of loss and despair.
Halfway through the song the music suddenly swelled, and a whole load more boys and girls filed in behind the first lot, loads of em, like loads and loads, all of em joinin in with the low notes, the high notes, til the stage was like completely packed out with em and it’s like every note that you can think of were bein sung at once, seemed like to me. OMG the audience was goin wild for it, they was all standin up. The atmosphere were electric.
The song got more and more powerful, sort of like the sea when there’s really big massive crashin breakers, they was all well into it. Must admit, even though it weren’t my type of thing, I did go a bit teary.
Occasionally one of them or two would get a little solo. The camera stopped on two little boys what looked like twins and they sang a solo together, then it stopped on a girl. Oh, jeez, I recognised her, that pushy one with no eyelashes, what were her name, she had come round with Sebastian. OMG though, got a bit of a voice on her! High, very high. Her voice soared over the top of all of it. I had to put me fingers in me ears.
‘Shardie! It’s Izzy, remember?’ said Matt. Oh, yeah, I din’t really want to remember, little cow.
I were thinking it were such a sad song they’d probably get buzzed off, but no, the judges went all teary too didn’t they? Typical.
I tutted and said ‘Pathetic!’ I always like to do me own commentary on all the acts. I could be an X- factor presenter. Easy as. They earn a packet too.
A sudden snorty noise from Matt made me look at him. I thought he were laughin, but no – tears was only streamin down his face! I know, what a wuss! The daft bugger, bless him, he’s got a heart like so big, it’ll be the death of im.
Simon (ooh, love him! Gorjuss!) were askin that Sebastian, who seemed to be the leader of the choir, what the group’s name were. Sebastian blinked. The blue of his eyes looked like it were gonna come right out of the telly. He were even more dazzlin on telly than in real life. ‘We twelve,’ he looked along his row of boys, ‘are called ‘The Lost Boys.’ We feel like we don’t know where we’re going…nor where we come from….but together we feel whole. That’s why we hold hands all the time, and stick together.’
The judges was speechless. Honest to God, they just sat there, open-mouthed. I could see the dollar signs in Simon’s eyes, oh yeah, you couldn’t miss em!
‘The children in the rows behind are called The Heavenly Host,’ he said. ‘We couldn’t produce the richness of our sound without them. They are our very valued backing singers and their ranks are swelling every day.’
Then Simon went on for a bit about how the Lost Boys would be bigger than the Military Wives, and how the whole world were going to warm to em. I were rolling my eyes. I wouldn’t buy that song in a million years! Too bloody moany and borin if you ask me. Simon asked the leader what his name was.
‘I’m Sebastian,’ he said.
‘Are you related to one another?’ asked Simon. ‘It’s just…’ he looked genuinely curious…’you seem so alike…you’re like little clones of each other.’
The audience laughed, but you could see on their faces, they was all wantin to know.
‘Well… Our Father… ‘ Sebastian blinked again like a camera taking a picture, dark lashes sweeping his cheeks, ‘.. told us to sing,’ the other kids was all nodding their little heads in agreement, ‘so… we sing.’
A little boy of about five next to him stood on tiptoes to reach the mic. ‘Our Father told us never to give up, so we won’t never give up.’ Aah, his voice were really cute actually must be said.
‘Next week,’ continued Sebastian, ‘we want to do ‘We Are Family,’ if you guys out there vote to keep us in the competition, that is! We do feel like Family, so yeah, maybe…maybe we are related.’
‘Ooh, cryptic words there,’ cooed the presenter, ‘from the leaders of the Heavenly Host, The Lost Boys, who are now the favourites to win this competition.’
The next day, I walked into my kitchen and found the CD of ‘The Lost Boys with the Heavenly Host’ on the table! Bloody Norah, that were quick. My husband were like an instant and complete 110 percent fan of them kids, unbelievable! What a sucker.