The new boob feels great, but every time I sneeze I fear it might explode. I have heard reports of friends of friends who ‘did too much’ after their op: their scars opened up and wept; their implants popped out. So I have been careful to be lazy. We got Netflix so I have watched all of Fawlty Towers and plenty of crap movies. Every so often I shout or text someone for a cuppa tea. Sometimes I go in the kitchen and comment about the state of the floor or sink or dogs’ water. TTYTT (This is my own invention: To Tell You The Truth) *whisper* the kitchen has been a lot better than when I am looking after it, God knows how, as I swear I spent most of my old life cleaning it up.
I more recently moved up to my room as there is another jolly frisky mouse running around in the big room. I got freaked that if it ran up my leg the resultant screams could shoot the implant, back steak and fake nipple across the room to splatter the TV with gore.
So upstairs with no TV went back to blogs and found one called ‘Sweaters for Days and Moves like Jagger.’ The writer does marvellous recaps of 50 Shades of Grey chapters . Have also discovered Red Lemonade, an Irish blogger with posts on the theme of ‘Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery.’ They have been keeping me amused. Have had to clutch the Beaut firmly with both hands for fear again of detonations brought on by painful snorty paroxysms.
I am not allowed to drive, so other people have been driving me about. Chloe takes me to the ponies. I just pat them and sniff their lovely smell while she picks up poos, he he. Tell you what though, sooo annoying being driven to the shop by Fred. Firstly, he always bumps the car into Maura-next-door’s garage door. Then he reverses a bit and bumps into Maura’s house. I shriek, ‘Bloody Hell! You’ve crashed the fucking car twice and we’re not even out of the drive!’ He denies it every time. Chloe’s just the same. She not only mounts the kerb regularly (ooh sounds rude I know) but scrapes the car against the gate every time we come home, then denies it! Like father like daughter. There’s blates blue paint on the gate, mate.
Worse, in the shop. Fred does not take a trolley, just a basket. As if I can fit everything I need/fancy in a blinking basket! Then he rushes me past whole aisles. Today he marched me straight past the whole fruit and veg section! Bloody Hell. What will the parrots do without their lychees? I notice he does not miss out the wine aisle. Anyway, it’s all false economy, proved by the fact that since there was nothing to eat in the house except wine we had to get a takeaway from Chutney Joe. The parrots quite like the garlic nan, luckily.
Claire went away for the week. This was sad. I missed her. She is the only one to understand about Miss Benyon. Someone has written ‘I heart Miss Benyon’ all over my diary. Tabby…! your writing is recognisable you know.
Went to the Breast Unit for a reccy. Mr Farouhi was away. (Thank God these peeps get holidays from scooping out breasts.) We saw Prof Benson instead. Chloe giggled because he reminded her of David Walliams. He asked who did my dressing. I said I did it. He said ‘You can have a nurse to come and do it properly you know.’ I did not tell him about our local nurse who insisted there was ‘absolutely nothing’ in Tabby’s foot when later that day an inch-long shard of wood spewed out, and who accidentally jabbed Chloe twice with Typhoid. Prof Benson was pleased with my scar nonetheless. Gave me the news that only one out of eighteen lymph nodes was cancerous. This is an ‘excellent’ result. Am slightly mournful that seventeen healthy nodes had to bite the dust, but, hooray, I beasted it.
They let us go, then called us back in again. Uh oh. He’d forgotten about the lung nodules. ‘We’ll book a CT scan to check they are static, not growing,’ he said.
Then I talked to a Dr Wilson about the oncology side of things. He was jovial and awfully kind. He explained about Tamoxifen. Wikipedia says this about the drug: ‘Some breast cancer cells require estrogen to grow. Estrogen binds to and activates the estrogen receptor in these cells. Tamoxifen is metabolized into compounds that also bind to the estrogen receptor but do not activate it. Because of this competitive antagonism, tamoxifen acts like a key broken off in the lock that prevents any other key from being inserted, preventing estrogen from binding to its receptor. Hence breast cancer cell growth is blocked.’ I will probably take it for two years. One pill per day. Will switch to an aromatase inhibitor for the three years after that. They both stop the cancer coming back. I asked if it would make me depressed like wot the FEC did. He said, no, it’s not anywhere near as bad as FEC, but ‘you might have a little slump,’ he warned.
Dr Wilson talked about Herceptin too. It’s a monoclonal antibody that I will have intravenously every three weeks. It can give you flu-like symptoms but not for long. He offered me the Persephone trial where you are randomly assigned to six months or a year. I asked if six months was better in his opinion. He said he suspected it was, and that he was generally quite good at backing the right horse. I asked if one can choose just to have six months. He said yes, one can just walk away, but it is not advisable. I said yes to Persephone.
Since then I have been googling Tamoxifen and Herceptin like mad. It’s fascinating.
Then right after the bank holiday I went back to the Plastic Surgery Unit. Fred took me. Lindsey, who worked on stitching during the op, changed the small dressings which are still on The Beaut, underarm and back. She seems so young. We chatted about buying houses. A dissolvable stitch has popped out of the boob wound. She trimmed it. Then, OMG, I heard Miss Benyon’s voice outside the cubicle. The curtain was tossed aside, and she was there, dressed in her softly green operating garb. What an unexpected delight. Neither Fred nor I could say anything as we are so besotted. We just sat there like duhs.
‘How are you doing?’
‘Fine,’ I croaked.
‘Really?’ She turned to Fred. ‘Is she really doing fine?’
‘Nghh,’ said Fred. He has truly joined the Miss Benyon Appreciation Society.
‘Well, you certainly look well!’ she enthused. She had maybe spotted that my hair is now one centimetre long in some places.
I just sighed with admiration and joy. She admired her handiwork. In answer to a burbled question she reckoned I could probably swim in the Greek sea in a month. She always finishes with ‘Any questions?’
We can never think of any. Oh, I did remember one. ‘Sometimes I bend forward and the implant kind of goes ker-plunk.’
She laughed her wicked laugh. ‘It will do that for a while, but it will soon settle.’
We drove home plastered with happy grins. When you have seen Miss Benyon you feel like you’ve had a hit on a mahoosive bong.